By Khushi Priya
Year 2026, Day 69
It has been twelve years since XR-42 was commissioned on Earth. The spy transformed itself into a wood to intercept the secret insights into why most human males were unable to pull out during sex.
XR-42 went to a frat house to observe humans in action. During a high-stakes beer pong tournament, a frat boy named Chad slammed a giant pitcher of cheap beer directly onto XR-42. The alcohol went straight into the central nervous matrix of the spy.
Right on cue, the veins of XR-42 buzzed. The subspace transmitter was signalling the time for the High Commission's mandatory daily briefing. XR-42 staggered into the basement to report to the commander.
Supreme Commander Vrel's holographic face flickered faintly through the steam of the sticky basement. XR-42 tried standing at attention.
"Agent XR-42," Vrel barked, reviewing the chaotic audio logs of shouting, chanting, and rhythmic thumping from the frat house. "The behavior in this sector is confusing. The males are constantly overly intimate. They are hugging, crying over sports, and slapping each other's gluteus maximus. Tell me... are the humans gay there?"
"It is a state of mind, sir. One can be gay all the time if he truly wants," XR-42 hiccupped.
Vrel narrowed his eyes, analysing the agent's wildly erratic thermal readings.
"What is your state right now?"
XR-42's internal GPS glitched violently.
"Georgia, sir."
Vrel pressed further.
"Yeah... and how's Georgia?"
"Let me call her, sir," XR-42 slurred confidently.
Supreme Commander Vrel immediately detected the catastrophic system malfunction. The Commander’s multi-eyed face twisted into absolute panic. If XR-42 blabbed about the High Commission to this "Georgia" entity, the entire Earth invasion timeline would collapse.
"Agent! Stand down!" Vrel screamed.
Too late.
XR-42 was already on the move.
In his glitched-out state, he forgot to activate his invisibility shield. Worse, as the spy staggered up the basement stairs in search of Georgia, the music suddenly stopped.
A frat boy holding a red Solo cup blinked aggressively, rubbed his eyes, and yelled across the room,
"Dude... did someone lose a dick?!"
Within three seconds, the entire party abandoned the beer pong table and gathered around XR-42. The room's temperature seemed to spike instantly. The girls exchanged stunned, wide-eyed glances, each silently confirming that yes; they were all seeing the same impossible thing. A few even fainted on the spot.
Before anyone could post it to TikTok, one particularly adventurous girl threw her panties over XR-42 and climbed on the spy.
Inside XR-42's alcohol-soaked alien brain, every alarm blared. The High Commission's tracking metrics had gone completely off the charts.
But looking down at the human in action, XR-42 realised this was the breakthrough his mission had been waiting for.
As the girl bounced up and down, XR-42 attempted to appear unfazed and reassured her in a smooth, heavily intoxicated Southern drawl:
"It's okay, baby... I will pull out."
About the Author
Khushi Priya is an emerging writer and stand-up comedian based in India.
She writes satire, speculative fiction, and creative nonfiction with a focus on humour and social commentary.
Her work has appeared in The Haven Comedy and The LOL Comedy.
Merri Andrew writes poetry and short fiction, some of which has appeared in Cordite, Be:longing, Baby Teeth and Islet, among other places.
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