By Craig Borri
“G’day mates, and welcome to the tenth annual Outback Vampire Blood Bowl! I’m your host, Kangaroo Jim Jackson, bringing ya all the action from this do-or-die event. With me is my special co-host, a Yank from across the pond, Frank “Tex” Peters. Ow-yar-goin, Tex?”
“Ow-yar — what?”
“Ow-yar-goin mate — it means how are you.”
“Right, right, I fergot you Aussies don’t speak American. Well, I’m good, Roo, but I gotta remind y’all, I ain’t no damn Yankee! I, old son, am a Texan!”
“Roit, roit, mate, no worries. Anyways, we have loads of action to-noit, with racers from Clan Dragon, Clan Raven, Clan Summers, Clan Munsster and Clan Sparkle all competing for a year’s supply of blood from our sponsor, Outback Blood Banks. It’s a foot race through the outback, with obstacles from spike-filled pits to patches of flaming oil. But that’s not the fun part. Wanna tell ‘em the fun part, Tex?”
“The fun part is we got ourselves a full contact race, with each side armed with swords, axes, and what all. Metal weapons only, since metal won’t kill ‘em and they heal up right quick, and no decapitations allowed. Should be more action than a rattlesnake rodeo!”
“ A rattle…roit, sure. Okay, the racers are loined up, there’s the signal and they’re off. Fast Eddie of Clan Sparkle has an early lead, but Vlad from Clan Dragon is roit on his tail!”
“Tail is right Roo, Eddie done turned into a wolf!”
“Yup, they’re allowed to shape change, but can only hold it for a minute, and have to be human to win. He used the shape to dodge Vlad’s sword and is back to human again. Now they’re coming up to the first obstacle, a twenty-metre-wide trench filled with iron spikes.”
“Yee-haw! Lilly “Hammer” of Clan Munsster just brought her hammer down on Spike of Clan Summers!”
“Fair dinkum, mate, and that knocked them both off balance so they both fell into the pit. That’s going to leave a mark! The other three are sprinting up Mount Banyon.”
“That’s a mighty steep climb, and theyz slashin at each other to beat all! Selene of Clan Raven is a cuttin’ at Eddie of Sparkle who’s takin’ a stab at Vlad who’s slashin’ at Selene. They’s more choppin’ goin’ on than a wolverine in a blender!”
“A wolverine…yes, that’s… quoit the mental image. They’ve reached the top, and — hooley dooley they got tangled up and all tumbled back down in a heap. That’ll be some hard yakka getting back up.”
“Yakka?”
“It means hard work. That’s allowed the others to catch up, and now all five are dodging each other’s weapons as they race to the summit. It’s a steep slope down the other side to a massive pool of flaming oil. You can cook a lot of shrimp on that barbie.”
“Shrimp nothin, boy, y’all come to Texas and I’ll throw y’all a real barbecue. Steaks so big it takes a week to eat em.”
“Just might take you up on that, Tex. Now they’re down the slope and leaping the pool. Looks like Vlad got his cape singed, but otherwise no harm. The next obstacle is a simple metre-wide creek.”
“Simple for us, but them vampires got a hard time crossin’ runnin’ water. Vlad and Selene barely made it, and…whoo boy! Lilly just brought her hammer down on Eddie, knocked him into the crick, and is usin’ him as a bridge. That’s why they call her Lillyhammer, that filly shore likes to bring the hammer down!”
“Roit you are, mate. Now Selene and Vlad are in the lead with Spike close behind. Crikey! Vlad just got a bloody good cut in on Selene’s leg, and she goes down! Next up is the rope bridge over Dead Man’s ravine and looks like Vlad is turning to face Spike.”
“Yeah, looks like he wants to finish it right here. Theyz a slashin’ and dodgin’ one another, and now Selene and Eddie are joinin’ in, and whoo boy! Lilly came flyin’ in bat form, turned human, crashed into the whole kit and kaboodle of ‘em, and they all fell into the ravine! I swear that filly’s crazier than a jack rabbit at a coyote convention!”
“A what at a…never mind. They’re all in bat form flying out, and now back to human. They all look bloody racked after that.”
“Racked?”
“It means tired. Now they’re headed into the Tunnel of Death.”
“That’s a good name for it. We got us a hundred yard tunnel with swingin’ pendulum blades and buzz saws comin’ up out o’ the ground. It’s more destruction than a longhorn at a dance off!”
“Now hang on a minute mate, that last one didn’t make any sense at…”
“Yee-haw! Lilly just took a hit from a pendulum and lost an arm! She’ll need to pull herself back together!”
“That’s one way of putting it. The others were tinny and made it out in one piece. Now they’re all racing for the finish.”
“Theyz all neck and neck, and still slashin’ to beat the band. It’s gonna be close and…Whoo boy! Lilly just threw her severed arm ahead of everyone and got it across the finish line first!”
“What a ripper! According to the rules, the first body part across the finish loin wins. The rules don’t say it needs to be attached, so it looks like Lilly is being declared the winner. Well, that’s all for now. I hope you all enjoyed the race. What did you think of it, Tex?”
“Boy, that was more fun than a horny toad at a…, or maybe a tumbleweed…Dang! I done run outta colourful aphorisms!”
“Well you have plenty of time to think up some more for next year. This is Kangaroo Jim Jackson and Frank Tex Peters signing off from the Outback.”
“Scorpion dancin’ on a …”
“Let it go, Tex.”
About the Author
The author, whose most noteworthy feature is an uncanny resemblance to Chevy Chase, is an old software engineer with four kids, one wife, one grandson, and one somewhat annoying dog.
His life is boring enough that he'd much rather write stories than biographies about himself.
Brian Biswas lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, USA.
Tim Borella is an Australian author, mainly of short speculative fiction published in anthologies, online and in podcasts.
Ed lives with his wife plus a magical assortment of native animals in tropical North Queensland.
Merri Andrew writes poetry and short fiction, some of which has appeared in Cordite, Be:longing, Baby Teeth and Islet, among other places.
Tara Campbell is an award-winning writer, teacher, Kimbilio Fellow, fiction co-editor at Barrelhouse, and graduate of American University's MFA in Creative Writing.
Geraldine Borella writes fiction for children, young adults and adults. Her work has been published by Deadset Press, IFWG Publishing, Wombat Books/Rhiza Edge, AHWA/Midnight Echo, Antipodean SF, Shacklebound Books, Black Ink Fiction, Paramour Ink Fiction, House of Loki and Raven & Drake
Mark is an astrophysicist and space scientist who worked on the Cassini/Huygens mission to Saturn. Following this he worked in computer consultancy, engineering, and high energy research (with a stint at the JET Fusion Torus).
Sarah Jane Justice is an Adelaide-based fiction writer, poet, musician and spoken word artist.
Barry Yedvobnick is a recently retired Biology Professor. He performed molecular biology and genetic research, and taught, at Emory University in Atlanta for 34 years. He is new to fiction writing, and enjoys taking real science a step or two beyond its known boundaries in his
James Walton was a librarian, a farm labourer, and mostly a public sector union official.
Emma Louise Gill (she/her) is a British-Australian spec fic writer and consumer of vast amounts of coffee. Brought up on a diet of English lit, she rebelled and now spends her time writing explosive space opera and other fantastical things in
My time at Nambucca Valley Community Radio began back in 2016 after moving into the area from Sydney.